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Grief Counselors | Manhattan | New York City

The Yoga of Grief and Change

August 01, 2013

New Year’s 2013 began with high hopes: the hour had finally arrived for me to get in good physical shape. My fifteen minute daily routine of stretching was not doing the job of relieving some of the muscle tightness I was experiencing and I knew that I needed to dedicate more time and energy if I truly desired to achieve more flexibility in my body. This knowledge had long circulated in my brain, but now I needed to act if I truly desired to change.

I began attending a local yoga studio several times a week, and initially the experience was invigorating. My self-consciousness at being a novice, while present, did not significantly interfere with my practice. I looked at my how my mat neighbors were embodying the poses and did the best I could to copy them. I felt proud of myself for following through on a long held aspiration and told myself that if I kept this up I would surely see some desired changes in several months.

After several classes I began experiencing pain in my hamstrings and hips, and after one class I asked the instructor if this pain was a normal part of the practice. He nodded yes, and said that most beginners complain of such aches and he encouraged me to keep practicing and to go with the process. After several more weeks the pain did not resolve, and I began to notice that my experience of the yoga class had changed. A silent voice suddenly appeared within me and began asking me many fear filled questions while I was on the mat: When will this pain go away? What if it never goes away? Am I doing the right thing by following this practice? What if I am forced to give up other activities I enjoy because this pain will always be with me? Maybe I should leave the class right now and give up on this dream because it is just too difficult?

Thinking about these questions on my way to work one morning I began to smile. I realized that they appear in my office on close to a daily basis. Many people who desire to change because of unhappiness with a career, a relationship or a troubling personal habit, and many people who are forced to change because of the death of a loved one, are assaulted by hordes of questions. Suffering leads us to look at ourselves and to ask and consider where we have come from and where we are going. My clients have been stretched by life, and need to find ways to both live with and to heal their pain, fear and vulnerability. Sometimes change comes slowly and finding a way to live with the questions is a key therapeutic challenge.

Many years ago I read Alan Wheelis’ How People Change and it remains a book close to my heart. In it he delineates, often in a very personal manner, the path of change, and states that “the sequence is suffering, insight, will, action, change.” Wheelis is especially illuminating in talking about we human beings often confuse those forces and situations in our lives which objectively and realistically constrain us (and thus cannot change), and those forces that result from our own personalities and perceptions ( which indeed are subject to change) if our view of ourselves changes).

Wheelis writes: “In every situation, for every person, there is a realm of freedom, and a realm of constraint. One may live in either realm. One must recognize the irresistible forces, the iron fist, the stone wall – must know them for what they are in order not to fall into the sea like Icarus - but knowing them, one may turn away and live in the realm of one’s freedom.”

That is what the heart of change is about – discovering our realistic realms of freedom. What is possible for us do now with our lives in spite of the fact that that we have been hit by the “iron fists” of bodily deterioration, divorce, and death? My body was giving me a message to seek help and discover the source of my pain, and ultimately I discovered a minor medical condition that required some adjustments in my life. I had to learn to live with a new expression of the “iron fist” and find a way to move around the “stone wall.”

The road from suffering to change is not an easy one for most people challenged by a core level loss. Spending time living with the fruits of insight, struggling to find the will to change, and coping with the fears of taking action can be difficult. Communing with the many questions that arise while on “the mats of our lives” is frequently a scary and lonely process. Nonetheless, we can change and discover remaining realms of freedom.

I see that process happen on a regular basis. There has been nothing more gratifying for me as a therapist than the experience of offering support, encouraging perseverance, and witnessing how so many of my clients have found ways to move into new “poses” that allow for greater meaning and satisfaction. The iron fist often does not disappear, but perceptions about its power and influence radically change, and that can makes a huge difference.

By R. Benyamin Cirlin, LCSW and Miriam Benhaim, Ph.D

Comments are always welcome. Contact us with any feedback or questions you may have

Previous Posts: Grief and the Myth of Closure - 01/14/13
The Four Things that Matter Most: A Book about Living - 02/01/08
Hearing the Music - 10/30/07
Comparative Suffering Shopping - 12/17/07
Comments are always welcome. Contact us with any feedback or questions you may have.


We highly recommend these books. Each one helps us to understand the challenge of being human. But most importantly, every one of these books is a continued source of inspiration and hope.

Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life by Irwin Kula with Linda Loewenthal - So much of grief, if not all of life, is messy. Irwin Kula helps us to reframe that mess and find the life-affirming within the seeming disorder. Kula's words are accessible, wise and loving.

Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving by Molly Fumia - Hundreds, if not thousands, of books have been written about the experience of grief and loss. Among all of them this is one of our favorites. Molly Fumia writes from the heart and her words ring exquisitely true.

Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen

My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging by Rachel Naomi Remen - We should all be so lucky to have physicians like Rachel Naomi Remen. She is a master storyteller, and helps us to discover the essence of things behind the facade.

The Blessing of a Broken Heart by Sherri Mandell - The author's son died in a terrorist attack in Israel, and her story is painfully, yet beautifully told. She explores the geography of the broken heart, yet is able to discover moments of redemption and blessing.

Invisible Lines of Connection: Sacred Stories of the Ordinary by Lawrence Kushner - Kushner artfully helps us in this primary renewal activity: to find the sacred within the ordinary.

Getting Back to Life When Grief Won’t Heal by Phyllis Kosminsky- This book skillfully examines the topic of getting stuck in grief despite one’s best intentions and efforts.    Kosminsky explores the many factors that lead people to get stuck, and offers many examples of how EMDR can help lead to a greater accommodation with the realities of loss and death and aid in healing and the creation of a meaningful life.


Each of these sites provides useful information.

» The Compassionate Friends
» GriefNet
» WidowNet
» Growth House
» Hospice Net
» Compassion Books