Center for Loss & Renewal Manhattan Counseling New York City NYC

February 1, 2008

Recently a woman in one of my groups was crying about her great yearning to speak to her deceased mother who had died at a relatively early age. “Our conversation wasn’t over. I had so much more to say to her, and so much more I wanted to hear.” Tragically, her mother had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. There was no time for goodbye, no time for a thank you, no time to ask for last minute advice.

I have heard this lament many times over the course of my career. Sometimes even when the loved one has a protracted illness, we sometimes fool ourselves into believing that there will be enough time “tomorrow” to say the things we need to say. Unfortunately, too often that “tomorrow” never arrives, and we are left with a heavy load of guilt and regret.

It is painfully ironic to consider how much we humans talk, and to realize how little we often say. When tomorrows are taken from us, this realization hits home with great ferocity.

Ira Byock, MD, a seminal figure in the hospice movement, authored several years ago an important book titled The Four Things that Matter Most: A Book about Living. In the book Byock shares his experiences with teaching his patients about the power of saying the following four statements. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Although he talks about these statements in the context of terminal illness, the application to current relationships is clear. These statements are foundation of any close relationship. All human relationships include brokenness. The key is to create an ongoing repair mechanism that heals the brokenness. These four simple statements do just that.

Thus, when the woman in the group finished speaking about her regrets about things not said, I asked her and the group: “who in your life right now needs to hear from you, and why are you waiting to hold that conversation?” Indeed, why are we waiting?

BOOKS

We highly recommend these books. Each one helps us to understand the challenge of being human. But most importantly, every one of these books is a continued source of inspiration and hope.

Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life by Irwin Kula with Linda Loewenthal - So much of grief, if not all of life, is messy. Irwin Kula helps us to reframe that mess and find the life-affirming within the seeming disorder. Kula's words are accessible, wise and loving.

Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving by Molly Fumia - Hundreds, if not thousands, of books have been written about the experience of grief and loss. Among all of them this is one of our favorites. Molly Fumia writes from the heart and her words ring exquisitely true.

Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen

My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging by Rachel Naomi Remen - We should all be so lucky to have physicians like Rachel Naomi Remen. She is a master storyteller, and helps us to discover the essence of things behind the facade.

The Blessing of a Broken Heart by Sherri Mandell - The author's son died in a terrorist attack in Israel, and her story is painfully, yet beautifully told. She explores the geography of the broken heart, yet is able to discover moments of redemption and blessing.

Invisible Lines of Connection: Sacred Stories of the Ordinary by Lawrence Kushner - Kushner artfully helps us in this primary renewal activity: to find the sacred within the ordinary.

Getting Back to Life When Grief Won’t Heal by Phyllis Kosminsky- This book skillfully examines the topic of getting stuck in grief despite one’s best intentions and efforts. Kosminsky explores the many factors that lead people to get stuck, and offers many examples of how EMDR can help lead to a greater accommodation with the realities of loss and death and aid in healing and the creation of a meaningful life.

INTERNET LINKS

Each of these sites provides useful information.